Dad, i gotta be Honest with you.
Yeah.
And this has been A feeling of mine
For maybe the last... 16 or 17 years.
When we spend time together, Over breakfast...
Uh-huh.
Boring.
I appreciate Your saying that.
I wish you had told me That 16 years ago.
Yeah.
Sometimes i feel like This is just a trough
Where we Come to feed.
We don't play as many games Anymore as we used to.
No, that's for sure.
One of the reasons We don't is because
I'm 49 and i go To work everyday.
I'd love to Hang out and play.
( Sigh )... It Doesn't stop me !
Remember in restaurants We used to play that game With a butter knife ?
I would look at you...
But i would look at The reflection of my Lips in the knife.
Oh yes, I loved that game !
And you can do it with Eyes and noses too, It's really fun !
You can do this With a fork !
Owww !
Remember "Pass the mood" ?
Like if one of us Is really in a bad mood--
Bad mood.
We'd try to pass that To the other person--
'Cause sometimes that's The only way to liberate Yourself from a bad mood.
We were an Unhappy family.
Small !
Yeah, small But unhappy !
That's how i like my eggs And how i like my families.
How do you like Your coffee ?
Over easy.
There you go !
I remember when we Used to go on trips
We used to play--
We used to Play car games.
Car games like, "I'm going on a vacation and I'm going to bring my guitar."
Right.
And you would Have to say,
"I'm going on a vacation and I'm going to bring my guitar...
And something else."
We have to keep on Remembering...
"Bring my guitar And my pick, My guitar pick"
Yeah, "i'm going On a vacation and I'm going to bring my guitar,
My guitar pick and... A portable radio".
Hmm, dumb.
"I'm going on a trip and i'm Going to bring my guitar, my Guitar pick,
"And i'm not gonna bring The portable radio--
No, no, you Have to say that !
"But i'm gonna bring... You have to say "The portable radio."
My tuning fork" !
"I'm going on a trip, i'm going To bring my guitar, guitar pick,
"Portable radio, tuning fork, And rare roast beef sandwich
With russian dressing On rye bread."
I'm gonna bring All that stuff--
No, no, ben, you have To name all those things
That's how The game works !
( Sigh ) Let's play "Pass the salt."
How about that ?
Okay.
The uh... Treasure hunt, Remember those ?
Oh, the ones we used to have ?
In the house...
Uh-huh.
On top of "ed"... No, there was no "ed", That's a bad example...
Yeah, it's Been a while !
Oh, the tension would build, Believe me, ben, it would build.
Building now !
Yeah.
You have to go ?
( Snicker )
Okay, i gotta get out of here, Would you do me a favor ?
Would you Take out the london broil--
What about the game We were gonna have ?
We can pick up Where we left off...
When you get home.
Yeah, would you take out The london broil to defrost
So we can have That for dinner ?
You got London broil ?
Yes !
What's the Occasion ?
The occasion is, It's one of the three things That i know how to make.
I don't see why i have to Do all the work, dad !
I mean why don't you Take it out before you go ?
Like right now ?
Because it will spoil, You might wanna go out and--
I'll still Eat it !
Ha ha ha !
You're such a Good sport, ben !
So you had a Self-consciousness
About being the Only asian-american.
I can understand that.
'Cause i don't know if you've Ever been in a situation, Where you go to a city
And you realize that you're the Only one of your kind, you know.
I'm in san antonio One time
And i'm walking down The "river walk"
And i realize i'm one of the Only asian people around
And i look across the river, and There's a chinese restaurant.
And the waitress looks at me And i look at her
And we have that "Weird moment"...
And i realized it's The same feeling i felt
Every halloween When i was a kid--
I'd go Trick or treating
I'd dress up Like batman
And then i'd look Across the street
And there'd be Another batman !
And you have these two 4-foot Batmen staring at each other
On a windy october night.
My dad was A single parent...
And it's mostly Brothers in my family
So it's kinda like A reverse "joy luck club."
Uh-huh.
And i don't know if you saw the Movie or read the book, but...
You know what i hated about "The joy luck club" ?
The movie and The book ?
What a lousy dinner party To go to !
Yeah.
Everybody's having A flashback !
It's gotta be really annoying After a while !
Sure !
"It's a really good salad, what Kind of dressing are you using ?
"My mother Was a concubine !"
What the hell Are you talking about ?
I'm gonna do a Little dramatic scene
To sort of Describe my father
This is a quick scene From "leave it to beaver"
Except the part of ward cleaver Is played by my father.
Gee, i'm sorry i ran away And junk, but...
I just figured... With wally Winning all the trophies and all
You didn't love me anymore, Do you forgive me ?
Huh ?
Umm...
There was a time we didn't have Really good communication.
I realized that and... I remember one time
My dad's company had A father-son picnic...
he invited his father !
Dad ! Yes ?
Come over here For a sec...
Walk up to your son...
Okay.
Take a good look, Put your hand out...
Okay.
Here you go.
Oh my god, I've been subpoenaed.
No, dad, read !
"This is clue number 1..."
Uh-huh.
"To my father..."
You.
"From his son."
Me.
"If you want Clue number 2..."
Yeah ?
This is... Ben, you didn't--
I did !
"This is what You must do..."
Uh-huh.
"Take a step To your right..."
Right.
"And lift me up With all your might."
Right, right, right, Read on.
Uh...
And move it Along, dad !
"If you want clue number 2, it's Underneath young benny's shoe !"
That's right !
Ben, is this the beginning Of what i think it is ?
Treasure hunt !
Dad, i've handed you the clue, Let's get it started !
Do you mind if we play this After dinner, is that okay ?
No, that is Not okay.
Can't we pick up With clue number 2
Just put that aside and we'll Have some london broil and--
Dad, i'll get To that later
But right now all day...
There is 54 clues-- all over The house and outside !
You know--
And it won't take but 4 Or maybe 5 hours to finish...
We'll eat late !
Ben, have you never Read about these families
Who die of starvation Playing treasure hunt ?
Ha ha ha !
They died because of Too many clues...
I understand, dad, but that Was hundreds of years ago...
Okay, well, How about we do that,
Why don't we start with A little shrimp cocktail
And we'll go hunting.
You know what, Get to lifting.
C'mon, grab right here !
Okay, i'm actually into The game, don't get me wrong...
I wanna go On a hunt !
Dad, you Don't understand...
Yeah ?
You have to Get clue number 2 !
One, because I want to move !
Right.
And two, i hid The london broil.
You hid a Piece of meat ?
I hid the piece of meat, That's the end of the hunt.
I'll give it a shot, ben, But if i can't lift you
You gonna have to remember What's in that clue.
Fine, just Give it a shot !
Okay.
You can't get me, Can ya ?
No.
Dad, you're so close, you've Got your eye on the prize
Just finish the deal !
Give it the proverbial "Coup de gras", shall we say ?
I don't really--
Put a bullet In its head.
I don't appreciate being Referred to as an old geezer
And in spite of the fact that It rhymes with-- oh, my god !
There's a london broil In the freezer !
So few words Rhyme with freezer...
That's right.
And umm, you're Sort of an old geezer...
I will give you Credit for the--
That is an ingenious Hiding place...
Oh, thanks, dad.
You did figure out Of an inventive way
Not to do the one thing I asked you to do !
I think that's My charm !
I gotta get some food In my system, ben...
Because even if I wasn't hungry
I think i would be Furious at you !
Well, suck on this !
It's called London broil... Frozen !
That's not So bad, frozen !
No, it isn't !
( Dr. Katz ) Hey, laura, You like fun, right ?
Umm... Yeah.
Well, fasten your Fun seat belt...
Huh ?
I have a fun thing For you to do...
Really ?
And here it comes In the form of a clue...
Oh.
I don't want you...
I think I've already--
To balk, man,
But take a look Inside your walk-man...
I already found them.
Oh ?
Dr. Katz, i have A surprise for you !
And what's that ?
Umm, the m&m's that You put in my walk-man...
Ruined it.
Oh man !
So, i don't mean to--
I'm sorry.
Ruin your treasure hunt... But umm...
No, that was careless of me And i owe you an apology.
And... Well... And a walkman.
Apology accepted.
Can you tell me, brian-- And take your time with this
Your earliest Childhood memory.
( Sigh ) well, it's a Painful one.
Nothing wrong With that.
Umm...
Doesn't have to Be your childhood.
Oh, okay.
I remember the doctor Slapping me...
I was fooling around with his Tongue depressors on his desk
He's very touchy about that, I was 12...
So when you were 12, You're already living where ?
I grew up In the suburbs
In a neighborhood that was Not very tough at all.
Even our school bully was Only passively aggressive.
He wouldn't take your lunch, He'd just say,
"You're gonna eat all that ?"
I was never a tough kid, I had one fight my whole life
And i broke my hand.
I don't know why the guy was Punching me in the hand
But, it really hurt.
Is the role of father something That's coming naturally to you ?
The thing i have The most trouble with
Is trying to discipline My little guy
Because everything he does Makes me laugh
And you don't want to send the Wrong message, you know ?
Like last week...
He'd somehow gotten a hold Of a carving knife
And he was stabbing My in-laws repeatedly.
It was funny, but i had to Be like, "no, that's bad !"
For his birthday, My wife bought him This little plastic tool belt
So he can be Just like his dad.
'Cause i like to wear A little plastic tool belt.
Now we have That in common.
Yeah.
He's all excited because I took him out the other day
And he got to Meet a policeman.
Oh, sure, that's Fun for a kid.
He also got to meet a traffic Judge and a defense attorney.
Not so fun.
It was an Eventful day !
Dad !
Son !
Welcome to my world !
I'm not gonna say i'm obsessed, But take a look around.
It's all clues !
It's great ! I love it !
Everything, Is a clue.
But the one, Right now,
This one right here and If you can take a gander--
It's german, isn't it, Is this german you wrote ?
No, that's The first clue...
"Tenibac enicidem eht"--
No, no, no.
It's german, Isn't it ?
First of all, where did You get the "hukh" ?
It's implied.
No, "tenibac."
"Tenibac."
"Enicidem."
"Eht." "Eht."
( Together ) "Edisni kool."
That's the First clue !
That is Brilliant, ben.
Yeah.
Let me just hold this up To the mirror for one sec...
How did You guess ?
That would be uh... ?
'Cause the last word i caught on Was "look" backwards.
Umm.
This is the only one That's backwards...
The rest are latin.
Go !
Okay ?
Go, enjoy, Have fun !
This one's gonna Take a while.
I think i found it, ben, I think i found another clue...
Yeah ?
But i can't make this out, Where is my reading glasses ?
Maybe the reading glasses Are what you need to find.
But unless i find-- oh, i have Another pair in my bag here...
I don't Think you do !
Ben !
Yeah !
( Laura ) I don't want to Read it out loud !
I don't wanna Read it at all !
I just want to Get paid and go home.
Very rarely, laura, Do i ask you to do Something special for me...
( Sigh )
But i really labored Over this thing...
Alright !
Please...
Just don't whine !
Thank you.
"Pick it up and Then press play
And pretty soon You'll have your pay."
Thank you.
( Groan )
And just tell me one thing, Did you enjoy that ?
No !
Okay, just checking.
I've had moments, though, When i understand what the Homeless feel like.
If you want to understand what A homeless person feels like,
Ask somebody For jumper cables.
Hmmm.
Everyone looks at you, like You're just the biggest freak.
"Excuse me, Can you help me out ?
"Do you have Jumper cables ?
"Come back here !
Hellooo !"
Hello, laura, walk over To the window sill
And there you will Find another clue
And once you get there And see this other clue
Push play again.
( Beep )
Now go to the--( beep )
Hope you had As much--( beep )
And now laura if You've done this--( beep )
( Beep beep beep )
Open up your Bottom drawer...
And there inside-- If i'm correct-- is...
The last week's paycheck, I took the liberty to--
( Beep )
All these names that These companies give For these products !
Corporate america knows that These names gotta be catchy
And then you gotta remember it And buy it, right ?
I had a bowl of "Life" cereal this morning
So i'm still coming Down from that high.
That's my favorite name of Any food out there right now, "Life" cereal !
You gotta be a cocky Marketing whiz to sell That name to a company.
"We have this new crunchy Breakfast cereal but... What are we gonna call it ?"
Gentlemen !
There's only one thing We can call it !
"Life" !
Hey, laura !
Hi.
I actually just came by 'cause I'm planting a clue here.
No more clues.
No, not for you, For my dad.
Well, your father just Had me go on a treasure hunt For my paycheck.
Did he really ?
Well, he just left all The clues on his "voice-it".
He left the clues On the voice-it ?
Yeah.
Huhh, that's not bad !
Were the Clues good ?
I don't know, i didn't Listen to them.
How could You find it ?
I skipped To the end.
Hmmm, see that's Where he always falters.
Uh-huh.
That's my Strong suit.
The ability to just keep My mouth shut until it is over.
Uh-huh.
But i'm glad my dad-- He's got the fever !
I was like him once, Now it's like, "Well, it's another hunt !"
So did he Hide the voice-it--
Make you find the voice-it First with another clue or--
No, it was Just on the desk.
Ah... That's not good.
What i would have done would be To write a handwritten clue
That would lead you To the voice-it.
You see what i mean ?
You gotta love the process, Is really what i'm saying.
It's an Art form really !
It's like haiku !
Did i say It's like haiku ?
Uh-huh.
It's more like chess, But without the pieces, Except the pawns.
It's not really Like chess.
Do you know The game "parcheesi" ?
I don't Feel well.
You know, when ben Was... Maybe 6
He was hooked on "Knock-knock" jokes.
But he didn't Really get them !
I'll give you an example, I'll be ben...
Knock-knock ?
Yeah, who's there ?
Michael.
Michael who ?
You know michael in The third grade who--
No, no, see, he Didn't understand...
He didn't understand The joke part...
Knock-knock !
Who's there ?
Madame.
Madame who ?
My damn foot's Stuck in the door !
Ha ha !
We used to play "telephone" At the dinner table.
Oh, i love That game !
"Telephone" ? Oh, you mean where you--
Yeah.
It got tough when it Was just me and ben
That's just, "Can you speak up please ?"
Ha !
When ben was About 18 months old
He was too young for us To trust him with a sitter
If we wanted privacy roz and i Would play "hide and seek"
And he would hide But we wouldn't seek !
Sad.
Well, he just thought he was Extremely good at hiding !
And every once in a while We would yell,
"Give us another hint !"
Ha ha !
You know what i'm getting the Sense from this conversation About our childhood ?
What ? Unhappy ?
That's right !
We didn't have a good time Individually or collectively.
Hey, dad ?
Yeah ?
Did you put something On my head last night ?
I got up early and i was Sort of dreaming of clues...
Uh-huh.
And i figured, why the hell Should i sleep through this...
When i could be sticking Stuff on your forehead !
Yeah, good for you !
Yeah.
Can i ask You something ?
Yes !
Pull your Pants down !
Ha ha ha !
Check your ass... What do you find ?
Oh, my god !
One-upped you !
Aah !
I like the head thing Though, that was good !
I mean i didn't notice it until I saw myself in the mirror !
It's less invasive than Your technique, you know...
Yeah.
What's happened To us, ben ?
This is not good !
Remember that thing when "You're 49 now and You're too old to play ?"
Yeah.
What changed ?
I checked my driver's license And i'm not 49 yet.
Ha ha ha !
I have another 6 months, So i can play like a maniac !
So you can Still have fun !
Yeah.
So take a look In the mirror and take--
Well, i'll just Take the clue off.
But hair's gonna come off When i rip this baby off.
Maybe you Should do it.
Sure, i'll do it !
Owwwww !!
There you go.
Alright, "this might Make you feel real ill
But check inside Your cereal !"
Umm, the other one That i was working with was...
"Sometimes, son, The going gets rough..."
Uh-huh.
"So check inside The panda puffs."
That's better.
So use that one !
Alright, fine.
Dad, the "Help wanted"...
That's very clever, Is this a clue ?
It's a hint !
But i also Hid something else...
What ? What's that ?
Look under "part-time"...
Yeah...
And i circled some words that If you string them together
Is your next clue...
Uh-huh.
What's the first word In there that i've circled ?
"Get"
Second word ?
"A"
Third word ?
"Job"
That's very funny, dad.
Yeah.
You know What, though ?
I'm done playing !
There's a tv, I gotta watch it.
I hid the Remote, ben !
You hid The remote ?
Yeah.
Where's the clue ?
That was the clue, I told you, i hid the remote !
So i gotta Go find it ?
I gotta go to The bathroom, Excuse me !
Well, good luck Finding the toilet paper !
I don't use That anymore !
Ha ha ha !
Good luck Finding your hand !
Oh, no !
You know, In india, dad...
Yeah.
There is no Toilet paper !
Is that true ?
Good luck Finding india !
Check and Check-mate !
My kindergarten teacher Hated me.
She used to find Any excuse to pick on me
Especially During nap-time.
Like i'm the only guy in the World who sleeps naked.
I remember i took the S.A.T.'S in high school
And i got caught cheating On the s.A.T.'S...
I'd written one of The answers down on my hand...
The letter "b."
I'd get to one I don't know--
"B."
"B" again !
Now that my dad's retired He's gone back to college
And we're very Proud of him...
Sure.
Except when he comes home From a keg party
And pees Out the window
Then we're Not as proud.
I hated going To the gym
'Cause every time i go to the Gym that one guy's always there,
The guy that screams Way too much when he works out.
It's like working out With charlton heston...
Aaaaaaarrrgghhh !
Damn you all To hell, argghhh !
This guy will sit all day With a thighmaster...
Aaaarrrggghhh !
Aaarrrgghhhhh !
There's an eyeball rolling Across the gym floor...
It's a madhouse !
I realized that uh... City life is just... Really dulling my senses
I'm just getting Really complacent.
Have you ever tried looking for An oil-change coupon In the mail ?
No.
"Missing kid...
"Carpet cleaning $29.95", What a rip-off !
"Missing kid...
Oil change !"
( Music ) Kevin, you know What the music means.
We're gonna Have to stop now.
Our time is up.